People are desperate in many ways, desperate for sex, desperate for attention, desperate for answers, desperate for love, desperate for cash, and desperate for a reason to live. Everyone who's desperate, it seems, follows the extreme. Im going to talk a little bit about it. if you see someone with evident self harm scars, are you the type to disregard it as attention seeking? So what if it is? I spent most of my life in a hell hole that was partly because of others and my own, but mostly because of me just being the way that I am. Ive never wanted to have what I have or to react the way I do. Even with seeking the extremes I always wondered if my problems mattered, or were even valid. My father didnt sexually abuse me. I mean shit, even if he had I think Id still think this way. Even without my opinions on my own mental well being, my attention goes to the general public and my immediate family even all that know of me. Are my problems so insignificant to them as well? My character has always been a messy one, learning to have to abandon all of the thoughts I once believed were right, time and time again. I could never decide which emotion to show either. I cant deal well with shame so I try my best to be nice and civil, but then Im forgettable. Im no spectacular person and being decent isnt enough for me. I used to be very much into doing all the wrong things to gain attention. Even now all the bad shit I want to do to myself isnt just out of self hatred, but also for attention. I dont know what to do with the attention anyway, but I still want it. Ive both wanted and tried to end my life for attention and to prove my problems werent surface level, werent bearable. The doctors and therapist I see have stopped giving me any attention as well. My problems were meaningless and I had to "persevere" despite them. The strong survive, I suppose. Everyone always telling me how hard I have to work and to just do it until I die. But Im pretty sure thats just a way to say they dont want to get involved. I got drunk one night while spending Valentines alone and just decided to do it. I feel like I know what its like to die now. It wasnt peaceful and likely will never be by the means of self work. I couldnt just shoot myself in the face. The cowards way out is harder than it looks. I suppose theres a part of you that wants someone to help. That someone or something beyond holds value to your life. Even after though, I was treated the same. I didnt get sent to one of those loony bins, I didnt get an increase in therapy sessions, my mother didnt call me, and still no one took it seriously. I realized then how little my life meant. I just wanted to see for myself. All these people have complete power over me and I dont even have power over myself. The only reason for living is spite. But in the end I dont believe thats enough. They wont see me topple them, they wont notice me living, and when I die no one will even remember I did. The only thing worse than a suicide prevention line giving you the standard talk, is when no one even attempts to acknowledge your existence. I got into the online world pretty hard for that reason alone and my presence is still meaningless to everyone. What should I expect though, strangers are strangers. Its drilled in their head that attention seeking is nothing but annoying and that those who arent worthy should be cast to the side and ignored. Standard typical social clique bs. I always wondered why out of even the losers I was ignored. I dont have exceptional qualities, but Im loyal, nice, generous, and attractive. I keep wondering what it is I lack that others have. If a God did exist, his tests are unfair and cruel. Theres nothing to win at this point. I fight tooth and nail for shit I never actually get. In fact it seems I go a little lower every time I put in effort to get out of this hole. Im looking for reasons why I am this way, but none of it makes sense to me. Ive been trying to think positively but if I say one decent thing about me my ego is too big. If people are desperate enough to kill themselves for attention, somethings wrong. Why is wanting attention so bad? Why is it so annoying? What truly makes you too good for other people? Too good to help or to even acknowledge. If I were to post pictures of me slitting my throat, I guarantee the lot of you would tell me to actually go kill myself for attention seeking. Would any normal person do that? To be so desperate for attention that theyd go so far and just because you cant or wont take the time to understand its only ever annoying to you. You are the people who make me sick. You are the people who should feel as I do. And I bet most of you will deny that you are this type of person. It sounds so much more ugly now, doesnt it? Feeding into destructive behavior isnt a good thing, I know. But neither is ignoring it or trying your best to make the person travel a path further down. But it doesnt have to come down to any of those if you only cared to try. And if it does come to it, who the hell are you to think you're above them? I couldnt give a shit who follows your or how many of them do. Be better than human scum, be something other than a part of what makes people do the extreme. Ive truly learned that ignoring the problem is the worst thing you can do. And no, your past makes no excuse for how you treat people who have done nothing to you. I guess the whole point Im getting at is, dont disregard attention seeking. Theres a reason for it. But what are the ramblings of a nothing like me anyway? Something to be mocked or ignored. Thats just the way it is. This time Im not nor will be sorry for oversharing.