Theres a certain low you get, if youre as fucked in the head as me, that just manages to stay there. You never really realize how low it is until you get that tiny pick-me-up, or stare at everyone else. Even with the constant low that is my life, I find myself susceptible to my personal lows. The lows that seem so deep, no matter what happens Ill be stuck forever. Where I can gut myself to attempt to feel something and the something never arrives. Its hard to imagine me ever not feeling this way when Im in said low. Even so, all the effort and energy it takes to dig myself out to just maybe get to that constant less low low isnt worth it. No part of it is rewarding. Sometimes I can ignore things, other times it just decides to take me. I dont want to have to keep doing this. I hate that I have to fight so hard to not be in my own personal hell. Its the most hopeless miserable feeling ever and to think Ive managed to "survive" this way for years is astounding.
I dont expect any breaks from people or life because I never get them. I think that nothing can help me escape these lows but Im probably wrong. The shitty thing is that the things that could help me will never happen. Everything I put my hope in brings me to another low. These downs are inescapable and I want out. I get so desperate. No matter how desperate I get though, I havent killed myself yet. Ive almost and almost and almost and almost. But its just almost. I actually had my gun taken away, so nothing is instant anymore. I cant tell if Im fighting the urge or trying to build up the courage. I know not the other side so scared I will remain. I have bad anxiety, so being so ballsy is rather hard. I dont know how but Im scared it might be worse, and Im scared Im stuck here. I cant keep doing this shit. I want to cry, but I havent been able to cry anymore. I try to force it out, force these feelings out, but there is no escape. Its hard not to go to drugs when youre in this spot. The only thing that keeps me out of that shit now is not having the money to keep up the habit. I dont even care right now about making people feel bad or good, I really just want this to stop.
Im usually against talking about this kind of shit, but I cant really talk about it anywhere else and if you're reading it, thats on you. I wish it was as simple as me strangling myself and it being all over, but its not. One day Im certain there'll be a drunk night where I forget to be afraid, or where the fear isnt on equal level as the pain. I go to therapy, I take ketamine treatments, Ive taken every pill and pill combo they've thrown at me. I got my thyroids checked, they even checked my if Im vitamin deficient, seen multiple doctors and it doesnt do a damn thing. I do spontaneous shit to try and make myself feel better. I do everything and anything. I tried exercising, every hobby you can fucking think of and nothing. I even tried to find peace in other people, but they make it worse. I dont understand why my body is doing this to me. Why my brain feels the need to make me so miserable. Or why it wont let me end things now. Im tired of this and I want it to end. This isnt fun, this has wasted my life. My whole fucking life. Its crushed my dreams, my hopes, and my resolve. I dont know what to do with my life, its always been about surviving. I wasted my whole life feeling tormented and I wish it would stop.