I have a hard time looking back on my emotions or thoughts, it's what makes it hard to understand where I am mentally. One of the only ways I know where I've been is in my writing, so yeah I feel like writing about myself again. (Everyone can ignore this, its mostly just for me lol)

I've struggled with extreme lows and the miserable plateaus for as long as I can remember. I don't really remember my childhood so well so while I thought I was A-OK looking back and talking with people who I was around and me remembering certain things makes me remember that wasn't true. I was different, but certainly not better you could say. Anyway, I've had a lot of curious problems as long as I could think. I was never sure how much of one problem is permanent or if it was a phase that eventually left me. For example, I used to have panic attacks all day every day. I used to not be able to even leave my bed when I first got them. They went away for the most part, but then I got them again all day everyday. It was different this time as they were primarily activated by sound, cars, planes especially, phone alarms, a high pitched ring Id hear in my ear, the fan in my kitchen. I developed this crazy new ability to automatically be sent into a panic attack at sounds and was always 100% convinced they were the sounds of nukes. I had been suicidal, yet the fear was still incredible. Now its been awhile and I don't have panic attacks on the regular, but I'm obviously worried they'll come back out of nowhere. I've never been more confused why that happens. You can follow this road of problems and me being unsure how long they'd last or when they come back for as long as you could look back. I've had many quirks over the years, hundreds probably so yeah I wont list them all here. I have been better about my self-sabotaging behavior, but even that makes its comebacks.

I've been seeing a therapist for some years now, I've really done a lot for myself, but I also haven't at all. Its incredibly hard to explain. I try now to look back when I remember to, to analyze my behavior and all that. Well, after years of trying medication cocktails and other treatments I'm still a bit fucked up haha. I avoid being a downer when I can, though in my head its hard to understand if that's always a possibility. I try not to let my emotions interfere with others, so when I get upset I stop talking or just leave. People don't seem to like that much so I don't know what they want from me lol. I really couldn't tell you if me shutting down or running off is how I control my emotions or how my emotions control me. But that is how it goes. I've thought about all this a lot and I've tried to talk to professionals about it. I have made very little ground, but maybe I haven't. What I do find I 100% believe will work for me, is acting on radical impulses. I've been warned not to do so, but at least when I do or have it planned out I feel better. I've made many of these impulse decisions simply because I imagine how great I would feel. I start to think how things would work out for me in the situations I think of, feeding into these thoughts and wants even more. I do have a pretty big problem with doing nearly anything I believe will make me feel better. Sometimes doing things just to say I did and have an excuse for myself later.

Well, anyway. This past month is a surprise. While I've had many awful feelings and feelings just of mediocrity, things have been a bit different. I realize this now because I've been planning to act on a lingering impulse, a perhaps dumb idea to anyone else, yet flawless in design to me. I'm unsure if its even an impulse anymore with how much I've already thought about it. Like usual though, I cant or wont talk myself out of it and only think of how good it'd make me feel. I don't know. If I cant have these things I'll only continue to sink. The refreshing break is nice, but I know I have to think of how these rash decisions will fuck my life. I guess the problem is after everything I've done for myself it seems like the only way out. I don't want to feel bad for trying to feel good. I don't want to bother asking if I deserve to feel good. I want to improve and not have to think so much about this kind of shit. I already know it's impossible for me to think rationally about something if it's me who wants to do it. Even now I refuse to not go through with it, I refuse to acknowledge all the awful things that can happen. What a waste of time to keep dwelling in how everything will make me feel like shit, right? If I put what I think is my best foot forward, after I do so I never actually believe that. This is the longest I've gone without my extreme lows, and I don't find it particularly useful to just let go of that. Of course it muddies my thinking and I'm inpatient about it. Like I've told myself many times before, if I try enough of what I believe will make me happy, it has to eventually, right?

I don't quite know what will follow me forever, but I do hope one day I can escape this mess without having to die first. I don't want to believe that's all I have waiting for me. (At this point right now I'm not in one of my downs, just reflecting)