I want to be the dirt that surrounds you. Trample me and scrape me off your feet. Shake me out of your boots. I like it a lot.

Im in love with the feelings I get when I should be absolutely horrified or in complete denial. The feeling of being a kitten getting declawed and shredded by the dog. It wasnt a fair fight and I love that excuse.

I feel a lot of nothing and my head cant take it. You do me a bigger favor than the disservice you believed you had done. I think I just need the excuses to excuse my own intrusive thoughts and my actions. Either way, I only feel alive when I gut myself, but I dont have enough energy to be the only one doing so. Nor the mental barricade to excuse what I would do to myself if everyone else did not join in.

Anyway, Im not feeling sad. Im just feeling antsy.