Is it that hard to drag something so limp?

I have a hard time looking back on my emotions or thoughts, it's what makes it hard to understand where I am mentally. One of the only ways I know where I've been is in my writing, so yeah I feel like writing about myself again. (Everyone can ignore this, its mostly just for me lol)

I've struggled with extreme lows and the miserable plateaus for as long as I can remember. I don't really remember my childhood so well so while I thought I was A-OK looking back and talking with people who I was around and me remembering certain things makes me remember that wasn't true. I was different, but certainly not better you could say. Anyway, I've had a lot of curious problems as long as I could think. I was never sure how much of one problem is permanent or if it was a phase that eventually left me. For example, I used to have panic attacks all day every day. I used to not be able to even leave my bed when I first got them. They went away for the most part, but then I got them again all day everyday. It was different this time as they were primarily activated by sound, cars, planes especially, phone alarms, a high pitched ring Id hear in my ear, the fan in my kitchen. I developed this crazy new ability to automatically be sent into a panic attack at sounds and was always 100% convinced they were the sounds of nukes. I had been suicidal, yet the fear was still incredible. Now its been awhile and I don't have panic attacks on the regular, but I'm obviously worried they'll come back out of nowhere. I've never been more confused why that happens. You can follow this road of problems and me being unsure how long they'd last or when they come back for as long as you could look back. I've had many quirks over the years, hundreds probably so yeah I wont list them all here. I have been better about my self-sabotaging behavior, but even that makes its comebacks.

I've been seeing a therapist for some years now, I've really done a lot for myself, but I also haven't at all. Its incredibly hard to explain. I try now to look back when I remember to, to analyze my behavior and all that. Well, after years of trying medication cocktails and other treatments I'm still a bit fucked up haha. I avoid being a downer when I can, though in my head its hard to understand if that's always a possibility. I try not to let my emotions interfere with others, so when I get upset I stop talking or just leave. People don't seem to like that much so I don't know what they want from me lol. I really couldn't tell you if me shutting down or running off is how I control my emotions or how my emotions control me. But that is how it goes. I've thought about all this a lot and I've tried to talk to professionals about it. I have made very little ground, but maybe I haven't. What I do find I 100% believe will work for me, is acting on radical impulses. I've been warned not to do so, but at least when I do or have it planned out I feel better. I've made many of these impulse decisions simply because I imagine how great I would feel. I start to think how things would work out for me in the situations I think of, feeding into these thoughts and wants even more. I do have a pretty big problem with doing nearly anything I believe will make me feel better. Sometimes doing things just to say I did and have an excuse for myself later.

Well, anyway. This past month is a surprise. While I've had many awful feelings and feelings just of mediocrity, things have been a bit different. I realize this now because I've been planning to act on a lingering impulse, a perhaps dumb idea to anyone else, yet flawless in design to me. I'm unsure if its even an impulse anymore with how much I've already thought about it. Like usual though, I cant or wont talk myself out of it and only think of how good it'd make me feel. I don't know. If I cant have these things I'll only continue to sink. The refreshing break is nice, but I know I have to think of how these rash decisions will fuck my life. I guess the problem is after everything I've done for myself it seems like the only way out. I don't want to feel bad for trying to feel good. I don't want to bother asking if I deserve to feel good. I want to improve and not have to think so much about this kind of shit. I already know it's impossible for me to think rationally about something if it's me who wants to do it. Even now I refuse to not go through with it, I refuse to acknowledge all the awful things that can happen. What a waste of time to keep dwelling in how everything will make me feel like shit, right? If I put what I think is my best foot forward, after I do so I never actually believe that. This is the longest I've gone without my extreme lows, and I don't find it particularly useful to just let go of that. Of course it muddies my thinking and I'm inpatient about it. Like I've told myself many times before, if I try enough of what I believe will make me happy, it has to eventually, right?

I don't quite know what will follow me forever, but I do hope one day I can escape this mess without having to die first. I don't want to believe that's all I have waiting for me. (At this point right now I'm not in one of my downs, just reflecting)

It is Pride month yknow what that means? Its getting close to be my birthday! Ive never really felt the need to say either before but Im gonna this year because I feel like it.

Shoutout to all my bisexual friends who get shat on for being in straight relationships! Haha, that aside I hope this month treats you all well. Im getting another year older and birthdays arent necessarily easy for me for whatever reason so Im going to be faking a lot of positivity about it instead of the usual moping about. Yay me!!!!! I would like to become famous for no reason for my birthday, rich too! So if you could all make that happen Id appreciate it.

Im not sure what another year has in store for me, or if I even live to actually see my birthday, but Im looking forward to doing something new before my next birthday. I havent the slightest clue what that is but I want to feel a little less like a nobody so perhaps Ill go be in one of those hollywood films people keep seeing. Im also looking forward to seeing what I can do for myself come next year. Yknow, mental health, physical health, accomplishments, the whole kabang. I wont be making the next FNF or anything like that, but bettering my personal IRL life, hopefully. My plan is to do whatever major thing I feel like until I catch something I really like. Smart right?

Anyhow, back to pride month. This monthlong celebration is something I have never personally celebrated and that may sound weird to you, but its true. I have a lot of problems with my place in it and I prefer to be more laid back when it comes to my sexuality n gender identity. I know a bunch of straight people that go way overboard with it though lool. "I kissed my friend once in honor of gay!" Thats both funny and adorable. Anyhow, I wont really do anything for this month either, Ill continue being me in honor of being me. Thats the best way to celebrate. I hope everyone treats you guys well and supports your sexuality and gender identity, just as they should every other month. If they dont I will xoxoxo. Peace out hotties and be yourself, kiss a dude or girl, kiss your mother on the cheek, and always always kiss me. <3

The fires kept inside killed a bunch of people, but then they didnt. Im wondering what else I'll forget about this week. I forgot it snowed too, I was suppose to do something but I didnt see the snow inside my house. Im going to encourage this type of behavior until I forget everything else. Good job brain, I like you when you remove everything. Anyway, I forgot where I was going with this.

https://www.newgrounds.com/wiki/help-information/forums/forum-rules Read them.

Dont Argue

Theres a certain low you get, if youre as fucked in the head as me, that just manages to stay there. You never really realize how low it is until you get that tiny pick-me-up, or stare at everyone else. Even with the constant low that is my life, I find myself susceptible to my personal lows. The lows that seem so deep, no matter what happens Ill be stuck forever. Where I can gut myself to attempt to feel something and the something never arrives. Its hard to imagine me ever not feeling this way when Im in said low. Even so, all the effort and energy it takes to dig myself out to just maybe get to that constant less low low isnt worth it. No part of it is rewarding. Sometimes I can ignore things, other times it just decides to take me. I dont want to have to keep doing this. I hate that I have to fight so hard to not be in my own personal hell. Its the most hopeless miserable feeling ever and to think Ive managed to "survive" this way for years is astounding.

I dont expect any breaks from people or life because I never get them. I think that nothing can help me escape these lows but Im probably wrong. The shitty thing is that the things that could help me will never happen. Everything I put my hope in brings me to another low. These downs are inescapable and I want out. I get so desperate. No matter how desperate I get though, I havent killed myself yet. Ive almost and almost and almost and almost. But its just almost. I actually had my gun taken away, so nothing is instant anymore. I cant tell if Im fighting the urge or trying to build up the courage. I know not the other side so scared I will remain. I have bad anxiety, so being so ballsy is rather hard. I dont know how but Im scared it might be worse, and Im scared Im stuck here. I cant keep doing this shit. I want to cry, but I havent been able to cry anymore. I try to force it out, force these feelings out, but there is no escape. Its hard not to go to drugs when youre in this spot. The only thing that keeps me out of that shit now is not having the money to keep up the habit. I dont even care right now about making people feel bad or good, I really just want this to stop.

Im usually against talking about this kind of shit, but I cant really talk about it anywhere else and if you're reading it, thats on you. I wish it was as simple as me strangling myself and it being all over, but its not. One day Im certain there'll be a drunk night where I forget to be afraid, or where the fear isnt on equal level as the pain. I go to therapy, I take ketamine treatments, Ive taken every pill and pill combo they've thrown at me. I got my thyroids checked, they even checked my if Im vitamin deficient, seen multiple doctors and it doesnt do a damn thing. I do spontaneous shit to try and make myself feel better. I do everything and anything. I tried exercising, every hobby you can fucking think of and nothing. I even tried to find peace in other people, but they make it worse. I dont understand why my body is doing this to me. Why my brain feels the need to make me so miserable. Or why it wont let me end things now. Im tired of this and I want it to end. This isnt fun, this has wasted my life. My whole fucking life. Its crushed my dreams, my hopes, and my resolve. I dont know what to do with my life, its always been about surviving. I wasted my whole life feeling tormented and I wish it would stop.

People are desperate in many ways, desperate for sex, desperate for attention, desperate for answers, desperate for love, desperate for cash, and desperate for a reason to live. Everyone who's desperate, it seems, follows the extreme. Im going to talk a little bit about it. if you see someone with evident self harm scars, are you the type to disregard it as attention seeking? So what if it is? I spent most of my life in a hell hole that was partly because of others and my own, but mostly because of me just being the way that I am. Ive never wanted to have what I have or to react the way I do. Even with seeking the extremes I always wondered if my problems mattered, or were even valid. My father didnt sexually abuse me. I mean shit, even if he had I think Id still think this way. Even without my opinions on my own mental well being, my attention goes to the general public and my immediate family even all that know of me. Are my problems so insignificant to them as well? My character has always been a messy one, learning to have to abandon all of the thoughts I once believed were right, time and time again. I could never decide which emotion to show either. I cant deal well with shame so I try my best to be nice and civil, but then Im forgettable. Im no spectacular person and being decent isnt enough for me. I used to be very much into doing all the wrong things to gain attention. Even now all the bad shit I want to do to myself isnt just out of self hatred, but also for attention. I dont know what to do with the attention anyway, but I still want it. Ive both wanted and tried to end my life for attention and to prove my problems werent surface level, werent bearable. The doctors and therapist I see have stopped giving me any attention as well. My problems were meaningless and I had to "persevere" despite them. The strong survive, I suppose. Everyone always telling me how hard I have to work and to just do it until I die. But Im pretty sure thats just a way to say they dont want to get involved. I got drunk one night while spending Valentines alone and just decided to do it. I feel like I know what its like to die now. It wasnt peaceful and likely will never be by the means of self work. I couldnt just shoot myself in the face. The cowards way out is harder than it looks. I suppose theres a part of you that wants someone to help. That someone or something beyond holds value to your life. Even after though, I was treated the same. I didnt get sent to one of those loony bins, I didnt get an increase in therapy sessions, my mother didnt call me, and still no one took it seriously. I realized then how little my life meant. I just wanted to see for myself. All these people have complete power over me and I dont even have power over myself. The only reason for living is spite. But in the end I dont believe thats enough. They wont see me topple them, they wont notice me living, and when I die no one will even remember I did. The only thing worse than a suicide prevention line giving you the standard talk, is when no one even attempts to acknowledge your existence. I got into the online world pretty hard for that reason alone and my presence is still meaningless to everyone. What should I expect though, strangers are strangers. Its drilled in their head that attention seeking is nothing but annoying and that those who arent worthy should be cast to the side and ignored. Standard typical social clique bs. I always wondered why out of even the losers I was ignored. I dont have exceptional qualities, but Im loyal, nice, generous, and attractive. I keep wondering what it is I lack that others have. If a God did exist, his tests are unfair and cruel. Theres nothing to win at this point. I fight tooth and nail for shit I never actually get. In fact it seems I go a little lower every time I put in effort to get out of this hole. Im looking for reasons why I am this way, but none of it makes sense to me. Ive been trying to think positively but if I say one decent thing about me my ego is too big. If people are desperate enough to kill themselves for attention, somethings wrong. Why is wanting attention so bad? Why is it so annoying? What truly makes you too good for other people? Too good to help or to even acknowledge. If I were to post pictures of me slitting my throat, I guarantee the lot of you would tell me to actually go kill myself for attention seeking. Would any normal person do that? To be so desperate for attention that theyd go so far and just because you cant or wont take the time to understand its only ever annoying to you. You are the people who make me sick. You are the people who should feel as I do. And I bet most of you will deny that you are this type of person. It sounds so much more ugly now, doesnt it? Feeding into destructive behavior isnt a good thing, I know. But neither is ignoring it or trying your best to make the person travel a path further down. But it doesnt have to come down to any of those if you only cared to try. And if it does come to it, who the hell are you to think you're above them? I couldnt give a shit who follows your or how many of them do. Be better than human scum, be something other than a part of what makes people do the extreme. Ive truly learned that ignoring the problem is the worst thing you can do. And no, your past makes no excuse for how you treat people who have done nothing to you. I guess the whole point Im getting at is, dont disregard attention seeking. Theres a reason for it. But what are the ramblings of a nothing like me anyway? Something to be mocked or ignored. Thats just the way it is. This time Im not nor will be sorry for oversharing.

We get angry and blow each others brains out now.

I did the voice acting for pico in pico school 2. its true!